For any who has ever used a tool ...
Stolen from the Chicago Craigslist...
This damn thing made me glad that I wasn't drinking coffee whilst reading. :)
For men who think they know about tools:
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings
your beer across the room, splattering itagainst that freshly painted part
you
were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "shit!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes
until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of
your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
After
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly
under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas
fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the
handle.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat
misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the
name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days
is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object
we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and
the other hand not holding the knife.
25. ANY MULTI-TOOL, usually offered on TV infomercials purported to fit
any
size nut, bolt, screw, smooth, slotted, hexagonal, square, Teflon,
ridged, slick
all for only $19.95 and "if you order now you get two of them (because
they are
so cheap and useless, we even feel guilty about selling them to you)":
Alternate uses: good paperweight, pretty good trot line weight. good glass
breaker if you're trapped in your car, and the best use of all...just
something
to throw that not even the dog will bring back.
This damn thing made me glad that I wasn't drinking coffee whilst reading. :)
For men who think they know about tools:
1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings
your beer across the room, splattering itagainst that freshly painted part
you
were drying.
2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "shit!"
3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes
until you die of old age.
4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and
the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of
your hand.
7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2"
socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
After
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
firmly
under the bumper.
10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas
fir.
12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.
14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2" x 16" SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the
handle.
17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
main
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat
misleading.
19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the
name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last
tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off.
21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer now-a-days
is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from
the object
we are trying to hit.
24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and
the other hand not holding the knife.
25. ANY MULTI-TOOL, usually offered on TV infomercials purported to fit
any
size nut, bolt, screw, smooth, slotted, hexagonal, square, Teflon,
ridged, slick
all for only $19.95 and "if you order now you get two of them (because
they are
so cheap and useless, we even feel guilty about selling them to you)":
Alternate uses: good paperweight, pretty good trot line weight. good glass
breaker if you're trapped in your car, and the best use of all...just
something
to throw that not even the dog will bring back.
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